my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
