The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
