Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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