Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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