is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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