My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
