So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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