i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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