I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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