When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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