i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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