Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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