Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
