I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
