Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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