Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
