who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
