i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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