the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
