you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
