my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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