so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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