just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
