I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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