At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
