i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
