Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
