SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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