Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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