I murdered the dance floor call the cops
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
