I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
