Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
