Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
