Only a mothe r could love this liver
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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