I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
