She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
