They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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