I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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