I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
