I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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