mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
