Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize