dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
