I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
