No, drunk sperm still make babies.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
