A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
