dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
