Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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