So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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