Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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