I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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