if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
