He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
