I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize