i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
