So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
