I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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