On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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